The Five Love Languages

• Men’s edition
• Singles edition
• Children

We need love before we "fall in love", and we will need it as long as we live.

Keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile. Running your marriage on an empty “love tank” may cost you even more than trying to drive your car without oil.

💡The average life span of a romantic obsession is two years.

💡The divorce rate for second marriages is at least 60%, and rises when children are involved.

Words of Affirmation

→Verbal compliments, words of appreciation, and compliments are powerful communicators of love.
They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:

• “You look sharp in that suit.”
• “Do you ever look hot in that dress! Wow!”  
• “I really like how you’re always on time to pick me up at work.”
• “Thanks for getting the babysitter lined up tonight. I want you to know I don’t take that for granted.”
• “I love how you are so responsible. I feel like I can count on you.”
  →What would happen to the emotional climate of a marriage if the husband and wife heard such words of affirmation regularly?

Verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words.

When we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our partner desires.

💡Encourage means “to inspire courage”.

The latent potential within your partner in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words.

Do not pressure your partner to do something that you want.
→Encourage them to develop an interest that they already have.

Encouragement requires empathy.
→We must first learn what is important to our partner.

Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love.

💡Love makes requests, not demands.

Affirm your partner in front of others when (s)he is present.
→Public compliments.

Share instances with your partner when words had a profound impact on your life, positively or negatively.

If your partner’s love language is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION:

1. To remind yourself that “Words of Affirmation” is your partner’s primary love language, print the following on a 3×5 card and put it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily: Words are important! Words are important! Words are important!
2. For one week, keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you give your partner each day. On Monday, I said: “You did a great job on this meal.” “You really look nice in that outfit.” “I appreciate your picking up the dry cleaning.” On Tuesday, I said: etc. You might be surprised how well (or how poorly) you are speaking words of affirmation.
3. Set a goal to give your partner a different compliment each day for one month. If “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. (You may want to record these compliments also, so you will not duplicate the statements.)
4. As you watch TV, read, or listen to people’s conversations, look for words of affirmation that people use. Write those affirming statements in a notebook or keep them electronically. Read through these periodically and select those you could use with your partner. When you use one, note the date on which you used it. Your notebook may become your love book. Remember, words are important!
5. Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your partner, and give it quietly or with fanfare! You may someday find your love letter tucked away in some special place. Words are important!
6. Compliment your partner in the presence of his parents or friends. You will get double credit: Your partner will feel loved and the parents will feel lucky to have such a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law.
7. Look for your partner’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are she will work hard to live up to her reputation.
8. Tell your children how great their mother or father is. Do this behind your partner’s back and in her presence.

Quality Time

→Quality time means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person. The activity in which we are both engaged is incidental. The important thing emotionally is that we are spending focused time with each other. The activity is a vehicle that creates the sense of togetherness.

Some practical tips.

1. Maintain eye contact when your partner is talking. That keeps your mind from wandering and communicates that he/she has your full attention.
2. Don’t listen to your partner and do something else at the same time. Remember, quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. If you are doing something you cannot turn from immediately, tell your partner the truth. A positive approach might be, “I know you are trying to talk to me and I’m interested, but I want to give you my full attention. I can’t do that right now, but if you will give me ten minutes to finish this, I’ll sit down and listen to you.” Most partners will respect such a request.
3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my partner experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot xyz.” That gives him the chance to clarify his feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what he is saying.
4. Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the other is feeling. Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what she is really thinking and feeling.
5. Refuse to interrupt. Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas. If I give you my undivided attention while you are talking, I will refrain from defending myself or hurling accusations at you or dogmatically stating my position. My goal is to discover your thoughts and feelings. My objective is not to defend myself or to set you straight. It is to understand you.

What in your marriage detracts from spending quality time?

If your partner’s love language is QUALITY TIME:

1. Take a walk together through the old neighborhood where one of you grew up. Ask questions about your partner’s childhood. Ask, “What are the fun memories of your childhood?” Then, “What was most painful about your childhood?”
2. Go to the city park and rent bicycles. Ride until you are tired, then sit and watch the ducks. When you get tired of the quacks, roll on to the rose garden. Learn each other’s favorite color of rose and why.
3. Ask your partner for a list of five activities that he would enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each month for the next five months. If money is a problem, space the freebies between the “we can’t afford this” events.
4. Ask your partner where she most enjoys sitting when talking with you. The next week, text her one afternoon and say, “I want to make a date with you one evening this week to sit on the porch and talk. Which night and what time would be best for you?”
5. Think of an activity your partner enjoys, but which brings little pleasure to you: NASCAR, browsing in flea markets, working out. Tell your partner that you are trying to broaden your horizons and would like to join him in this activity sometime this month. Set a date and give it your best effort.
6. Plan a weekend getaway just for the two of you sometime within the next six months. Be sure it is a weekend when you won’t have to call the office or have a commitment with your kids. Focus on relaxing together doing what one or both of you enjoy.
7. Make time every day to share with each other some of the events of the day. When you spend more time on Facebook than you do listening to each other, you can end up more concerned about your hundred “friends” than about your partner.
8. Have a “Let’s review our history” evening once every three months. Set aside an hour to focus on your history. Select five questions each of you will answer, such as:
   1. Who was your best and worst teacher in school and why?
   2. When did you feel your parents were proud of you?
   3. What is the worst mistake your mother ever made?
   4. What is the worst mistake your father ever made?
   5. What do you remember about the religious aspect of your childhood? Each evening, agree on your five questions before you begin your sharing. At the end of the five questions, stop and decide on the five questions you will ask next time.
9. Camp out in the living room. Spread your blankets and pillows on the floor. Get your Pepsi and popcorn. Pretend the TV is broken and talk like you used to when you were dating. Talk till the sun comes up or something else happens. If the floor gets too hard, go back upstairs and go to bed. You won’t forget this evening!”

Receiving Gifts

→The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn’t matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of them. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts, but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.

💡From early years, children are inclined to give gifts to their parents which may be an indication that gift giving is fundamental to love.

Gifts may be purchased, found, or made.

If you are to become an effective gift giver, you may have to change your attitude about money.
→If you are a saver, you will experience emotional resistance to the idea of spending money as an expression of love.

If you discover that your partner’s primary love language is receiving gifts, then perhaps you will understand that purchasing gifts for them is the best investment you can make.
→You are investing in your relationship and filling your partner’s emotional love tank, and with a full love tank, s(h)e will likely reciprocate emotional love to you in a language you will understand.
→Don’t worry about your savings. You will always be a saver, but to invest in loving your partner is to invest in blue-chip stocks.

The gift of self or the gift of presence. Being there when your partner needs you speaks loudly to the one whose primary love language is receiving gits.

Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your partner’s primary love language is receiving gits. Your body becomes the symbol of love.
→If the physical presence of your partner is important to you, I urge you to verbalize that to your partner.

Reflect on ways to give gifts to one another even if finances are tight.

If your partner’s love language is RECEIVING GIFTS:

1. Try a parade of gifts. Leave a box of candy for your partner in the morning; have flowers delivered in the afternoon; give him a gift in the evening. When your partner asks, “What is going on?” you respond, “Just trying to fill your love tank!”
2. Let nature be your guide. The next time you take a walk through the neighborhood, keep your eyes open for a gift for your partner. It may be a stone, a stick, or a feather. You may even attach special meaning to your natural gift. For example, a smooth stone may symbolize your marriage with many of the rough places now polished. A feather may symbolize how your partner is the “wind beneath your wings.”
3. Discover the value of “handmade originals.” Make a gift for your partner. This may require you to enroll in a class: ceramics, silversmithing, painting, wood carving, etc. Your main purpose for enrolling is to make your partner a gift. A handmade gift often becomes a family heirloom.
4. Give your partner a gift every day for one week. It need not be a special week, just any week. I promise you it will become “The Week That Was!” If you are really energetic, you can make it “The Month That Was!” No—your partner will not expect you to keep this up for a lifetime.
5. Keep a “Gift Idea Notebook.” Every time you hear your partner say, “I really like that,” write it down in your notebook. Listen carefully and you will get quite a list. This will serve as a guide when you get ready to select a gift. To prime the pump, you could look through a favorite online shopping site together.
6. Enlist a “personal shopper.” If you really don’t have a clue as to how to select a gift for your partner, ask a friend or family member who knows your wife or husband well to help you. Most people enjoy making a friend happy by getting them a gift, especially if it is with your money.
7. Offer the gift of presence. Say to your partner, “I want to offer the gift of my presence at any event or on any occasion you would like this month. You tell me when, and I will make every effort to be there.” Get ready! Be positive! Who knows, you may enjoy the symphony or the hockey game.
8. Give your partner a book and agree to read it yourself. Then offer to discuss together a chapter each week. Don’t choose a book that you want him or her to read. Choose a book on a topic in which you know your partner has an interest: sex, football, needlework, money management, child rearing, religion, backpacking.
9. Give a lasting tribute. Give a gift to your partner’s church or favorite charity in honor of her birthday, your anniversary, or another occasion. Ask the charity to send a card informing your partner of what you have done. The church or charity will be excited and so will your partner.
10. Give a living gift. Purchase and plant a tree or flowering shrub in honor of your partner. You may plant it in your own yard, where you can water and nurture it, or with permission in a public park or forest where others can also enjoy it. You will get credit for this one year after year.

Acts of Service

→You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her.

We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything.
→Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.

What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage.

A partner’s criticism about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her primary love language.
→People tend to criticize their partner most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.

Criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love.

A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order to express love more effectively.

Many acts of service will involve household chores, but not all. What are some non-chore ways of serving your mate?

If your partner’s love language is ACTS OF SERVICE:

1. Make a list of all the requests your partner has made of you over the past few weeks. Select one of these each week and do it as an expression of love.
2. Print note cards with the following: “Today I will show my love for you by . . .” Complete the sentence with one of the following: picking up the clutter, paying the bills, fixing something that’s been broken a long time, weeding the garden. (Bonus points if it’s a chore that’s been put off.)Give your partner a love note accompanied by the act of service every three days for a month.
3. Ask your partner to make a list of ten things he or she would like for you to do during the next month. Then ask your partner to prioritize those by numbering them 1–10, with 1 being the most important and 10 being least important. Use this list to plan your strategy for a month of love. (Get ready to live with a happy partner.)
4. While your partner is away, get the children to help you with some act of service for him. When he walks in the door, join the children in shouting “Surprise! We love you!” Then share your act of service.
5. What one act of service has your partner nagged about consistently? Why not decide to see the nag as a tag? Your partner is tagging this as really important to him or her. If you choose to do it as an expression of love, it is worth more than a thousand roses.
6. If your requests to your mate come across as nags or put-downs, try writing them in words that would be less offensive to them. Share this revised wording with your partner. For example, “The yard always looks so nice, and I really appreciate your work. I’d love to thank you in advance for mowing the lawn this week before Julie and Ben come over for dinner.” Your husband might even respond: “Where’s the lawn mower, I can’t wait!” Try it and see.
7. Perform a major act of service like organizing the home office, and then post a sign that reads, “To (partner’s name) with love,” and sign your name.
8. If you have more money than time, hire someone to do the acts of service that you know your partner would like for you to do, such as the yard work or a once-a-month deep cleaning of your home.
9. Ask your partner to tell you the daily acts of service that would really speak love to him or her. Seek to work these into your daily schedule. “Little things” really do mean a lot.

Physical Touch

Crises provide a unique opportunity for expressing love.

Recall some nonsexual “touching times” that enhanced intimacy between the two of you. What made these times special?

If your partner’s love language is PHYSICAL TOUCH:

1. As you walk from the car to go shopping, reach out and hold your partner’s hand.
2. While eating together, let your knee or foot drift over and touch your partner.
3. Walk up to your partner and say, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” Take her in your arms and hug her while you rub her back and continue. “You are the greatest!” (Resist the temptation to rush to the bedroom.) Untangle yourself and move on to the next thing.
4. While your partner is seated, walk up behind her and give her a shoulder massage.
5. When you sit together in church, when the minister calls for prayer, reach over and hold your partner’s hand.
6. Initiate sex by giving your partner a foot massage. Continue to other parts of the body as long as it brings pleasure to your partner.
7. When family or friends are visiting, touch your partner in their presence. Putting your arm around him as you stand talking, or simply placing your hand on her shoulder says, “Even with all these people in our house, I still see you.”
8. When your partner arrives at home, meet him or her one step earlier than usual and give your mate a big welcome home. The point is to vary the routine and enhance even a small “touching experience.

Discovering your Primary Love Language

What does your partner do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you deeply?

3 ways to discover your own primary love language:

1. What does your partner do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your partner? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your partner? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.  

Ask yourself: “What would be an ideal partner to me? If I could have the perfect mate, what would they be like?”

If your marriage is in the serious trouble discussed in this chapter, you need to begin by making a strong commitment of the will to undertake the following experiment. You risk further pain and rejection, but you also stand to regain a healthy and fulfilling marriage. Count the cost; it’s worth the attempt.

1. Ask how you can be a better partner, and regardless of the other’s attitude, act on what he or she tells you. Continue to both seek more input and comply with those wishes with all your heart and will. Assure your partner that your motives are pure.
2. When you receive positive feedback you know there is progress. Each month make one nonthreatening but specific request that is easy for your partner. Make sure it relates to your primary love language and will help replenish your empty tank.
3. When your partner responds and meets your need, you will be able to react with not only your will but your emotions as well. Without overreacting, continue positive feedback and affirmation of your partner at these times.
4. As your marriage begins to truly heal and grow deeper, make sure you don’t “rest on your laurels” and forget your partner’s love language and daily needs. You’re on the road to your dreams, so stay there! Put appointments into your schedule to assess together how you’re doing.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What if I cannot discover my primary love language?

• First, observe how you most often express love to others.
• What do you complain about most often?
• What do you request of your partner most often?

2. What if I cannot discover my partner’s love language?

• How does (s)he most often express love to others?
• What does (s)he complain about most often?
• What does (s)he request most often?