Author – John Gray

What you feel you can heal

on Mars

• value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement.
• always do things to prove themselves and develop their power and skills.
• sense of self is defined by their ability to achieve results.
• experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment.
• are more interested in “objects” and “things” rather than people and feelings.
• are preoccupied with the “things” that can help them express power by creating results and achieving goals.

Coping with stress: seeks out someone she trusts and talks in great detail about the problems.

💡 Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence.
→ Understanding this concept can help women understand why men resist so much being corrected or being told what to do.
→ To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this because the issue of competence is so very important to them.

Offering advice can be an insult.

💡 Men primarily need trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.

A way of honoring another Martian is always to assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help.

💡 For many men, it is very important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it is a small one.

Coping with stress:

• become increasingly focused and withdrawn.
• gets upset, and never talks about what is bothering him.
• becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem.
• if he can’t find a solution he does something else to forget his problems.
• increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and preoccupied.

💡 Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed.

A major source of fulfillment for a man can come through giving.

→ Men go through emotional cycles. It is not possible to always give the same amount of energy and love to someone.

on Mars, if you want to support you simply have to ask for it.

Dealing with Venusians as a Martian

Practice listening whenever a woman speaks.

→ With the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through.

When women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions;
→ She needs to be heard, and gradually they will feel better on their own.
→ She does not need to be fixed.

She always has a right to be upset.
→ Once she gets it out, she will feel much better.

When a woman moves into her “well”, he needs to learn that this is when she needs him the most, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed.
→ It is an opportunity to support her with unconditional love.

Sometimes when he is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset.

Telling a woman she shouldn’t feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say.

→ It hurts her even more, like poking a stick into an open wound.
→ She just needed to be heard and then be reassured.

3 steps for supporting her when you need to pull away:

1. Accept fewer limitations → Accept that you need to pull away and have nothing to give. Don’t try to listen when you can’t.
2. Understand her pain → ”I understand you feel hurt and I need some time to think about it. Let’s take a time-out.”
3. Avoid arguing and give reassurance → Let her know you will be back and then you will be able to give her the support she deserves.

💡 Women primarily need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.

When a man shows interest in a woman’s feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels loved and cared for.

When a man listens without judgment but with empathy and relatedness to a woman who expresses her feelings, she feels heard and understood.

Concrete and physical expressions of respect, like flowers and remembering anniversaries, are essential to fulfill a woman’s third primary love need.

A woman thrives when she feels adored and special.

When a man does not object to or argue with a woman’s feelings and wants but instead accepts and confirms their validity, a woman truly feels loved.

When a man repeatedly shows that he cares, understands, respects, validates, and is devoted to his partner, her primary need to be reassured is fulfilled.

To fulfill her sixth primary love need he must remember to reassure her again and again.

The number one way a man can succeed in fulfilling a woman’s primary love needs is through communication.

When a man can listen to a woman’s feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift.

Learn to practice validating your woman.

When he simply starts to care about her feelings she will start to feel supported.

If she is upset, what she needs most is to be heard and validated.

Imagine that women have a love tank similar to the gas tank on a car.

100 things to score points with a woman:

1. Upon returning home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug.
2. Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to do.
3. Practice listening and asking questions.
4. Resist the temptation to solve her problems; empathize instead.
5. Give her 20 minutes of unsolicited, quality attention.
6. Bring her pre-cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions.
7. Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do.
8. If she generally makes dinner or if it is her turn and she seems tired or really busy, offers to make dinner.
9. Compliment her on how she looks.
10. Validate her feelings when she is upset.
11. Offer to help her when she is tired.
12. Schedule the extra time when outing so that she doesn’t have to rush.
13. When you are going to be late, call her and let her know.
14. When she asks for support, say yes or no without making her wrong for asking.
15. Whenever her feelings have been hurt, give her some empathy and tell her “I’m sorry you feel hurt.” Then be silent; let her feel your understanding of her hurt. Don’t offer solutions or explanations why her hurt is not your fault.
16. Whenever you need to pull away, let her know you will be back or that you need some time to think about things.
17. When you’ve cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectful, non-blaming way, so she doesn’t imagine the worst.
18. Offer to build a fire in wintertime.
19. When she talks to you, put down the magazine or turn off the TV and give her your full attention.
20. If she usually washes the dishes, occasionally offer to wash the dishes, especially if she is tired that day.
21. Notice when she is upset or tired and ask what she has to do. Then offer to help by doing a few of her “to do” items.
22. When going out, ask if there is anything she wants you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up.
23. Let her know when you are planning to take a nap or leave.
24. Give her four hugs a day.
25. Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her “I love you.”
26. Tell her “I love you” at least a couple of times every day.
27. Make the bed and clean up the bedroom.
28. If she washes your socks, turn your socks right side out so she doesn’t have to.
29. Notice when the trash is full and offer to empty it.
30. When you are out of town, call to leave a telephone number where you can be reached and to let her know you arrived safely.
31. Wash her car.
32. Wash your car and clean up the interior before a date with her.
33. Wash before having sex or put on a cologne if she likes that.
34. Take her side when she is upset with someone.
35. Offer to give her a back or neck or foot massage (or all three).
36. Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate sometimes without being sexual.
37. Be patient when she is sharing. Don’t look at your watch.
38. Don’t flick the remote control to different channels when she is watching TV with you.
39. Display affection in public.
40. When holding hands don’t let your hand go limp.
41. Learn her favorite drinks so you can offer her a  choice of the ones that you know she already likes.
42. Suggest different restaurants for going out; don’t put the burden of figuring out where to go on her.
43. Get season tickets for the theater, symphony, opera, ballet, or some other type of performance she likes.
44. Create occasions when you both can dress up.
45. Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit.
46. Pay more attention to her than to others in public.
47. Make her more important than the children. Let the children see her getting your attention first and foremost.
48. Buy her little presents-like a small box of chocolates or perfume.
49. Buy her an outfit (take a picture of your partner along with her sizes to the store and let them help you select it).
50. Take pictures of her on special occasions.
51. Take short romantic getaways.
52. Let her see that you carry a picture of her in your wallet and update it from time to time.
53. When staying in a hotel, have them prepare the room with something special, like a bottle of champagne or sparkling apple juice, or flowers.
54. Write a note or make a sign on special occasions such as anniversaries* and birthdays.
55. Offer to drive the car on long trips.
56. Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences. After all, she is sitting powerless in the front seat.
57. Notice how she Is feeling and comment on it -“You look happy today ” or “You look tired”-and then ask a question like “How was your day?”
58. When taking her out, study in advance the directions so that she does not have to feel responsible to navigate.
59. Take her dancing or take dancing lessons together.
60. Surprise her with a love note or poem.
61. Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship.
62. Offer to fix something around the house. Say “What needs to be fixed around here? I have some extra time.” Don’t take on more than you can do.
63. Offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen.
64. Buy some good Super Glue to fix things that are broken.
65. Offer to change lightbulbs as soon as they go out.
66. Help with recycling the trash.
67. Read out loud or cut out sections of the newspaper that would interest her.
68. Write out neatly any phone me~ you may take for her
69. Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry it after taking a shower.
70. Open the door for her.
71. Offer to carry the groceries.
72. Offer to carry heavy boxes for her.
73. On trips, handle the luggage and be responsible for packing it in the car.
74. If she washes the dishes or it is her rum, offer to help scrub pots or do other difficult tasks.
75. Make a “to fix” list and leave it in the kitchen. When you have extra time do something on that first for her. Don’t let it get too long.
76. When she prepares a meal, compliment her cooking.
77. When listening to her talk, use eye contact.
78. Touch her with your hand sometimes when you talk to her.
79. Show interest in her for what she does during the day, in the books she reads, and in the people, she relates to.
80. When listening to her, reassure her that you are interested in making little noises like “ah ha, uh-huh, oh, mmhuh, and hmmmm.”
81. Ask her how she is feeling.
82. If she has been sick in some way, ask for an update and ask how she is doing or feeling.
83. If she is tired, offer to make her some tea.
84. Get ready to go to sleep together and get in bed at the same time.
85. Give her a kiss and say goodbye when you leave.
86. Laugh at her jokes and humor.
87. Verbally say thank you when she does things for you.
88. Notice when she gets her hair done and gives a reassuring compliment.
89. Create a special time to be alone together.
90. Don’t answer the phone at intimate moments or if she is sharing vulnerable feelings.
91. Go bicycling together, even if it’s just a short ride.
92. Organize and prepare a picnic. (Remember to bring a picnic cloth.)
93. If she handles the laundry, bring the clothes to the cleaners or offer to do the wash.
94. Take her for a walk without the children.
95. Negotiate in a manner that shows her that you want her to get what she wants and you also want what you want. Be caring, but don’t be a martyr.
96. Let her know that you missed her when you went away.
97. Bring home her favorite pie or dessert.
98. If she normally shops for food, offer to do the food shopping.
99. Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don’t become stuffed and tired later.
100. Ask her to add her thoughts to this list.

“I found that when I was succeeding at home, my work reflected that success. I realized that success in the work world was not achieved through hard work alone. It was also dependent on my ability to inspire trust in others.”

💡 A woman instinctively does not ask for support when she wants it.
→ She expects you to offer it if you love her.
→ Practice offering to support her in little ways.

on Venus, their motto is “Love is never having to ask!”

A woman is more sensitive about being heard and feeling understood when she is sharing her feelings.

Venus

• value love, communication, beauty, and relationships.
• spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another.
• sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships.
• experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.

💡 Communication is of primary importance.
→ To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success.
→ Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous fulfillment.

A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked.

💡 Women’s nature is to want to improve things.
→ When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it.
→ Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love.

A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand other’s feelings.

→ Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking.

Just listening with empathy to a Venusian to express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment.

💡 A Venusian needs to feel held.

💡 Women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.

Dealing with Martians as a Venusian

If you are a woman, restrain from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism.

→ Then men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive.

Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism especially if he has made a mistake makes them feel unloved and controlled.

→ In order to learn from his mistakes, he needs her acceptance more than her advice.

💡 When a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.

By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him, she can take his rejection less personally and explore more supportive ways to communicate her needs.

Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.

💡 Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

💡 For Venusians, dramatic language implies a particular request.

Definitely not offer criticism or advice unless he asks.

→ Try giving him loving acceptance. This is what he needs, not lectures. As he begins to feel her acceptance, he will begin to ask what she thinks. If, however, he detects her demanding that he change, he will not ask for advice or suggestions. Especially in an intimate relationship, men need to feel very secure before they open up and ask for support.

💡 Patiently trust your partner to grow and change.

💡 Women don’t think of giving appreciation because they assume a man knows how much she appreciates being heard.
→ He doesn’t know.

When she is talking about problems, he needs to be reassured that he is still loved and appreciated.

The four magic words to support a man are: “It’s not your fault.”

The more a woman tries to get a man to talk the more he will resist.

Directly trying to get him to talk is not the best approach, especially if he is stretching away.

💡 Women need to grow their mature awareness and accept that sometimes men will be available and at other times they will instinctively pull away.

Let him know that she appreciates him even if he just listens.

→ In the beginning, she should even discourage him from talking. → “Would you listen to me for a while? It will make me feel much better.” after a couple of minutes “I really appreciate it when you listen to my feelings, it means a lot to me.”

A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion.

When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down.
→ During this downtime she especially needs to talk about problems and be heard and understood.

Remember, if a man needs to pull away like a rubber band, when he returns he will be back with a lot more love. Then he can listen. This is the best time to initiate a conversation.

💡 When a woman’s wave crashes and her partner is in his cave, it is essential that she have other sources of support.

When a woman’s attitude is open, receptive, and positive in her belief of her man’s abilities and intentions, his first primary love need is fulfilled.

When a woman lovingly receives a man without trying to change him, he feels accepted.

→ You must trust him to make his own improvements.

When a woman acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from a man’s efforts and behavior, he feels appreciated.

💡 A man feels admired when she is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents, which may include humor, strength, persistence, kindness, love, understanding, and other so-called old–fashioned virtues.

A woman’s approving attitude acknowledges the goodness in a man and expresses overall satisfaction with him.

When a woman’s attitude expresses mist, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, and approval it encourages a man to be all that he can be.

Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it will lessen will confidence or turn him off.

Women need to learn the art of empowerment.

→ When a woman enlists the support of a man, she empowers him to be all that he can be.

💡 The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him.

Practice expressing your feelings more directly without disapproving of your man.

💡 The more a woman tries to change a man, the more he resists.
→ He is resistant to change because he believes he is not being loved enough.

💡 For a man to improve himself he needs to feel loved in an accepting way.
→ Otherwise, he defends himself and stays the same. He needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he, on his own, will look for ways to improve.

The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings.

→ Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks rhetorical questions and unknowingly(or knowingly) communicates a message of disapproval.

💡 The more a man loves a woman the more he needs her approval.

💡 Most men are too ashamed to admit how much they need approval.

Women commonly interrogate a man about his behavior with a disapproving tone.

→ They do this because they think it will teach them a lesson. It does not.
→ It only creates fear and resentment. And gradually he becomes less and less motivated.

A woman needs to remember that she can still give approval even when she disagrees.

When a man makes a mistake or forgets to do an errand or fulfill some responsibility, a woman doesn’t realize how sensitive he feels.

→ This is when he needs her love the most. To withdraw her approval at this point causes him extreme pain.

One of the ways women unknowingly communicate disapproval is in their eyes and tone of voice.

Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love.

💡 A woman needs to accept a man’s instinctive tendencies to focus all his energies on one big thing and minimize the importance of the little things.

Repeatedly encourage their support by asking for more.

Don’t demand his support; trust that he wants to support you, even if he needs a little encouragement.

Allow him to do little things for you. Encourage him by asking for his support in little ways and then appreciating him.

💡 Men do not respond well to demands and resentment.

3 steps in asking for and getting what you want:

1. Practice asking correctly for what you’re already getting.
2. Practice asking for more, even when you know he will say no, and accept his no
3. Practice assertive asking.

5 secrets of how to correctly ask a Martian for support:

1. appropriate timing → Be careful not to ask him to do something that he is obviously just planning to do. | Timing is crucial | If he is fully focused on something don’t expect him immediately to respond to your request.
2. nondemanding attitude → A request is not a demand. Do not have a resentful or demanding attitude.
3. be brief → Give only 1 reason. | The longer you explain the more he feels as though you don’t trust him.
4. be direct
5. use the correct wording → one of the most common mistakes in asking for support is the use of “could” and “can”, instead of “would” and “will”. | Indirect requests are a turnoff.

Become aware of how you do ask when you do. With this increased awareness, then practice asking for what he is already giving you. Remember to be brief and direct. Then give him lots of appreciation and thanks.

FAQs

• “Why should I have to ask him when I don’t require him to ask me?”
  → by accepting and working with his differences you will get what you need. If you try to change him he will stubbornly resist.
  → When he feels loved and appreciated he will gradually become more willing to offer his support without being asked.
• “Why would I appreciate what he does when I am doing more?”
  →Martians give less when they do not feel appreciated. Men are motivated by appreciation.
• “If I have to ask him for support, he may think he is doing me a favor.”
  → This is how he should feel. A gift of love is a favor.
• “If he loves me he should just offer his support, I shouldn’t have to ask.”
  → Men wait to be asked. By accepting this difference he will be much more willing to support you, and gradually he will begin to offer his support.
• “If I have to ask for things he will think I am not giving as much as he is. I am afraid he may feel like he doesn’t have to give me more!”
  → A man is more generous when he feels as though he doesn’t have to give.
• “When I ask for support I am afraid to be brief. I want to explain why I need his help. I don’t want to appear demanding.”
  → If she gives him a lot of reasons why he should fulfill her request, he feels as though he can’t say no, and if he can’t say no then he feels manipulated or taken for granted.

If he needs to understand more he will ask why.

Even when he asks, be careful not to be too lengthy. Give one, or at most, two reasons.

💡 Men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no.

When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember that, and next time he will be much more willing to give.
→ How could he know if you don’t ask?

To give him a chance to fulfill your requests, ask and pause. Let him grumble and say things. Just listen. Eventually, he will say yes. Don’t mistakenly believe that he will hold this against you. He can’t and won’t hold it against you as long as you don’t insist or argue with him.

💡 One of the key elements of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have asked for support.
→ Allow your partner to work through their resistance.
→ As long as you pause and remain silent, you have the possibility of getting his support. If you break the silence you lose your power.

💡 A man is more sensitive about being accepted just the way he is.

2 most common mistakes we make in relationships:

1. A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when upset by offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
2. A woman tries to change a man’s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the police and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

The mistakes are only in timing and approach.

A man’s love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman’s issues.

His love, however, can make it safe for her to go deeper into her well.

It is naive to expect a woman to be perfectly loving all the time. He can expect these issues to come up again and again. Each time, however, he can get better at supporting her.

A woman going into her well is not a man’s fault or his failure. By being more supportive he cannot prevent it from happening, but he can help her through these difficult times.

A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom.

A man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience, and understanding.

Primary need: fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate other kinds of love.

→ Understanding the primary kinds of love that your partner needs is a powerful secret for improving relationships on Earth.

💡 Love often fads because people instinctively give what they want.

To fulfill your partner, you need to learn how to give the love he/she primarily needs.

→ Relationships become easier when we understand our partner’s primary needs.

As men and women learn to support each other in the ways that are most important for their own unique needs; change and growth will become automatic.

Arguments

Arguments can be the most destructive element.

→ The closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be bruised.
→ For all practical purposes, it is strongly recommended that couples do not argue.

💡 As a basic guideline: never argue.
→ Discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want but don’t argue for it.

The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication.

💡 It is not what we say that hurts but how we say it.

To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument.

Stop talking and take a time-out.

To avoid painful arguments it is important to recognize how men unknowingly invalidate and how women unknowingly send messages of disapproval.

Most arguments occur not because two people disagree but because either the man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view or the woman disapproves of the way he is talking to her.

When men and women learn to approve and validate, they don’t have to argue. They can discuss and negotiate differences.

Prearranged agreed-upon statements → can be immensely helpful to neutralize tension when conflict arises.

Communicating Feelings

The success of a relationship is solely dependent on two factors:

• a man’s ability to listen lovingly and respectfully to a woman’s feelings
• a woman’s ability to share her feelings in a loving and respectful way.

A relationship requires that partners communicate their changing feelings and needs.

The secret of communicating our difficult feelings lies in having the wisdom and the commitment to express our negative feelings in writing so that we can become aware of our more positive feelings. The more we are able to communicate to our partners with the love they deserve, the better our relationships will be. When you are able to share your upset feelings in a loving way, it becomes much easier for your partner to support you in return.

A man’s common obsession with success is his desperate attempt to win love in hopes of reducing his inner emotional pain and turmoil.

A woman’s common obsession with being perfect is her desperate attempt to be worthy of love and reduce her emotional pain. Anything done to excess can become a means to numb the pain of our unresolved past.

💡 Sharing the truth opens the door of intimacy through which love can enter.

To receive more love we need to have people in our life with whom we can openly and safely share our feelings. It is very powerful to have some select people in your life with whom you can share your every feeling and trust that they will still love you and not hurt you with criticism, judgment, or rejection.

When you can share who you are and how you feel, then you can fully receive love. If you have this love, it is easier to release negative emotional symptoms like resentment, anger, fear, and so forth.

Regularly meet with a small only (wo)/men support group.

If you want to GET then you have to ASK.

Love thaws out our repressed feelings, and gradually these unresolved feelings begin to surface in our relationship.

💡 When we are upset, about 90 percent of the upset is related to our past and has nothing to do with what we think is upsetting us.
→ Generally, only about 10 percent of our upset is appropriate to the present experience.

If you want your partner to be more sensitive to your feelings, let them experience the painful feelings of your past.

💡 We must not expect our partners to always be loving or even to remember how to be loving.

Give yourself permission to keep making mistakes.