Winning the Rat Race without becoming a Rat – Kevin Leman

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

• To what degree do you feel loved by the significant people in your life?
• In a time of need, have you experienced the love of a friend: “I don’t think I would have made it without her”? If so, how did your friend show his or her love?
• Have you been a friend to someone in need? How did you express your love?
• How successful have you been in giving and receiving emotional love?
• How interested are you in studying the nature of love and learning new ways to express love?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

• Which of your relationships do you consider to be healthy?
• Which of your relationships would you like to see improved?
• How would you describe your relationship with your mother? Your father?
• In dating relationships, how many times have you experienced Stage One: Passionate Love? Were you able to make the transition to Stage Two: Covenant Love? Why or why not?
• Are you willing to invest time in learning to speak the five love languages?

Words of Affirmation

“Give and it will be given to you.”

Words hold influential power.

Words of affirmation are simply true statements affirming the worth of another person.

Dialects of Affirmation:

• Words of appreciation
• Words of encouragement
• Words of praise
• Kind words
• Words of forgiveness

All around us there are people who daily expend energy for the benefit of others. These people need to hear words of praise.

Can I do something that will make up for the pain I have caused you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

• To what degree did you receive words of affirmation from your parents?
• Do you find it easy or difficult to speak words of affirmation to your parents? Why?
• If you find it difficult, is it time for you to take the initiative to express words of affirmation to your parents?
• How freely do you express words of affirmation in other relationships?
• Is there a relationship you would like to enhance?
• Do you think speaking words of affirmation would be meaningful to that person?

Gifts

People speak about what interests them or what needs they have. If we begin to listen carefully, we will pick up all kinds of clues as to what would be appropriate gifts for the people we care about.

The purpose of a gift is to emotionally communicate “I love you. I hope this gift will enhance your life.”

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

• To what degree was the love language of gifts spoken by your parents to you and to each other?
• How often do you give gifts to those you love and care for?
• What is the last gift you gave and to whom did you give it?
• Do you find speaking the love language of gifts difficult, or does it come naturally for you? Why?
• In your conversation with others, do you consciously listen for gift ideas? Would keeping a gift list in your notebook be helpful for you?
• If you enjoy receiving gifts, from whom would you most like to receive one? Would it be appropriate for you to give this person a gift this week?

Acts of Service

When someone speaks our primary love language, we are drawn to them emotionally. We have high, positive regard for them. We want to do something that will enhance their lives and reciprocate their love to us.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

• Did your father speak the love language acts of service? What about your mother?
• How freely do you express acts of service to others?
• What acts of service have you done for your parents in the last three months?
• What acts of service have you shown toward a friend or someone with whom you have a dating relationship?
• What acts of service have others done for you recently?
• On a scale of 0 to 10, how much love do you feel when people express acts of service to you?
• Would you be willing to set a goal of speaking the love language acts of service at least once a week to someone you care about?

Quality Time

The central desire of quality time is togetherness. This does not mean proximity. →Togetherness has to do with focused attention. It is giving someone undivided attention.

Dialects of Quality Time:

• Quality conversation
• Active listening
• Maintain eye contact
• Not engaging in other activities while listening
• Listen for their feelings
• Observe body language
• Refuse to interrupt
• Ask reflective questions
• Express understanding
• Offer help
• Quality activities

Quality time may mean doing something together that both parties enjoy.
→Their spending time together in a common pursuit communicates that they are care about each other, that they enjoy being with each other.

Quality conversation is a sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.
→The goal of quality conversations is to make the other person feel respected, understood, and loved.

Focus on listening and hearing.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

• To what degree was the love language of quality time spoken by your parents to each other, and to you?
• Are you energized when you spend quality time with others, or does it tend to deplete you emotionally?
• With whom have you spent quality time this week?
• Was your time together primarily quality conversation or quality activities?
• Would it be wise for you to give some quality time to one or both of your parents this week? This month? If so, why not put it on your schedule now?
• In your circle of friends, who seems to be asking for quality time? Is this a relationship you would like to enhance? If so, why not set aside some quality time for them right now?

Physical Touch

Tender, affirming physical touch is a fundamental language of love.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

• What types of physical touch do you consider affirming?
• What kinds of touches make you feel uncomfortable?
• To what degree did your parents speak the love language of physical touch to you? To each other?
• In your circle of friends, who are the “touchers”?
• People whose primary love language is physical touch usually like to be touched. In what way might you reciprocate their love?
• Looking back over today or yesterday, what types of physical touches did you give to others? How did they seem to respond?
• If touching comes easy for you, whom have you encountered who seemed to draw back from touching? Why do you think this is true?

Discover your Primary Love Language

1. Observe your own behavior
   →How do I most typically express love and appreciation to other people?
2. Observe what you request of others
   →Our requests tend to indicate our emotional needs.
3. Listen to your complaints
   →Our complaints reveal our deep emotional hurts.
4. Ask the right questions

• What do I like most about the person I’m dating?
• What does (s)he do/say that makes me desire to be with them?
• What would be an ideal spouse to me?
• If I could have the perfect mate, what would (s)he be like?
• What do I want most in a friendship?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

• If you know your primary love language, how did you discover it? If you do not know your love language by now, take the love language profile found at the conclusion of the book.
• Do you know the primary love language of your dad, mom, brother, or sister? If not, which approach do you think would be the best way to make this discovery?
• Who are your two closest friends? Do you know their primary love language? If not, answer the following questions: How does he/she most often express love and appreciation to others? What do they request of you most often? What have they complained about recently? If the answers to these questions do not reveal their love language, then perhaps you could take the following approach: “I really value our friendship, and I want you to think about us and then tell me one thing I could do that would enhance our relationship.”
• Make a list of the significant people in your life. If you know their primary love language, write it beside their name. If not, then using the ideas in this chapter, plan your strategy to discover it.

Family

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

• List the names of your family members: mother, father, siblings. Using a 0–10 scale (with 0 representing not loved, 5 somewhat loved, and 10 greatly loved), how loved do you feel by each of your family members? Why did you rate each family member as you did?
• What factors are contributing to the feelings of love?
• What do you think is each family member’s primary love language?
• How effective do you think you have been in speaking their primary love languages? Answer the question by listing each family member’s name and writing a number from the 0–10 scale (0 meaning you don’t know it, 5 expressing it occasionally, and 10 consistently speaking the language).
• Use a chart to map out a strategy for expressing love to your family members more effectively in the weeks ahead.

Dating Relationships

The reason many singles have failed in the dating game is that they have never clearly understood their objectives. If you ask a group of singles, “Why are you dating?” the answers would range all the way from “to have a good time” to “to find a mate.”
In some general sense we know that the end of all of this may lead us to marriage, but we are not clear as to other specific objectives. Let me list a few and suggest that you add to the list as you give thought to your own personal objectives.

1. Develop wholesome interactions with the opposite sex
2. Learn about the person, personality, and philosophy
3. See our own strengths and weaknesses
4. Practice serving others
5. Discover the person we will marry

Good marriages are built on a combination of emotional love and a common commitment to core beliefs about what is most important and what we wish to do with our lives. →Speaking each other’s primary love language creates the emotional climate where these beliefs can be fleshed out in daily life.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

As you reflect upon your present and past dating relationships, answer the following questions:

• To what degree did I view him/her as a person rather than an object?
• How well did I discover his/her personality, history, values, morals, and spiritual beliefs?
• What discoveries did I make about myself in this dating relationship?
• What positive changes did I make?
• In what ways did I help my dating partner?
• How well did I do in empathetic listening and in confronting weaknesses?
• Why did I decide to marry or not marry this person?
• If we had known each other’s primary love language, what difference might this have made in our relationship?

What is the purpose of marriage?

1. Companionship
2. Sex
3. Love
4. To provide a home for children
5. Social acceptance
6. Economic advantage
7. Security
   →The supreme purpose of marriage is the union of a man and woman at the deepest possible level and in all areas of life, which in turn brings the greatest possible sense of fulfillment to the couple.

No house should be built without a suitable foundation.
→Likewise, no marriage should be initiated until the couple has explored their foundations.

1. Intellectual Unity
   Discuss the kinds of books you read. →Intellectual interests.

• Do you read the newspaper regularly?
• What magazines do you read?
• What kind of TV shows do you enjoy most?
• Which websites do you frequent?
• What is your humor chord?
• What YouTube videos do you watch?

Grades in school and the amount of education each of you had should also be considered.

You ought to be able to communicate with each other on the same intellectual plane.

Do you hold enough in common intellectually to have a basis for growth?

Agree to read the same book and spend some quality time discussing its concepts, or once a week read the headline news and discuss its merits and implications.
→This will reveal a great deal regarding your present status and potential for future growth in intellectual intimacy.
2. Social Unity
We are all social creatures, but our social interests will often differ greatly.

• Are they a sports fan?
• How many hours each week do they spend watching sports?
• What are their musical interests? →Opera, ballet, gospel, country?
• What kinds of recreational activities do you enjoy?
• Do they enjoy parties?
• What are your personalities?
• Do you understand each other well enough to believe that you can work as a team?
• What fights have you had in your dating relationship?
• What do you see as potential problem areas when you think of living life tougher?
  →The goal of marriage is unity.
  💡Ask yourself: If (s)he never changes his present social interest, will I be happy to live with them the rest of my life?

3. Emotional Unity
   Emotional intimacy is that deep sense of being connected to one another.
   It is a feeling loved, respected, and appreciated, while at the same time seeking to reciprocate.
   →To feel loved is to have the sense that the other person genuinely cares about your well-being.
   →Respect has to do with feeling that your partner has positive regard for your personhood, intellect, abilities, and personality.
   →Appreciation is the inner sense that your partner values your contribution to the relationship.

💡The degree which you develop emotional unity before marriage will set the pace for your intimacy after marriage.
4. Spiritual Unity

• Do you each agree that there is an infinite, personal God?
• Do you know this God?
• Do your hearts beat together spiritually?
• Are you encouraging each other in spiritual growth, or is one gently but consistently pulling in the opposite direction?
  💡Spiritual foundations are important. In fact, they are the most important because they influence all other areas of life and unity.

5. Physical Unity
   💡An interesting fact about sexual unity is that it cannot be separated from emotional, spiritual, and social unity.
   →In fact, the problems that develop in the sexual aspect of marriage almost always have their root in one of these other areas.
   Physical incompatibility is almost nonexistent. The problem lies in other areas; it just makes itself known in the sexual area.

Trust your partner to accept you as you are, not as (s)he might wish you were.
→If such acceptance cannot be experienced, then marriage should not be consummated. You must enter marriage with all the cards on the table.

In addition to the acceptance of your potential mate, you must also accept yourself and overcome your own past.
→If you have a negative attitude toward sex because of past experiences, face it and deal with it.

In this section, I have been discussing foundations for marital unity. If sex is your only goal, then the matters discussed above may be relatively unimportant. If you only want someone to cook your meals or pay the rent, then all you need is a willing partner. If, on the other hand, your goal is total unity of life, then you ought to examine the foundation closely. If you find that the foundation is not strong enough to hold the weight of a lifetime commitment, then you should not marry.

“One national study has found that 87 percent of never-married single adults said that they wanted to have one marriage that would last a life-time. They have seen the results of divorce in the lives of their parents, and that is not what they desire. Making a wise decision about whom you marry is the first step in having a lifelong, satisfying marriage.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

If you are involved in a dating relationship that has the potential of leading to marriage, the following questions will be a good starting point:

• Are my partner and I on the same wavelength intellectually? (Do some of the exercises mentioned in this chapter: Read a newspaper or online news article and discuss its merits and implications; read a book and share your impressions with each other.)
• To what degree have we surveyed the foundation of our social unity? (Explore the following areas: sports, music, dance, parties, and vocational aspirations.)
• Do we have a clear understanding of each other’s personality, strengths, and weaknesses? (Take a personality profile. This is normally done under the direction of a counselor who will interpret the information and help you discover potential areas of personality conflicts.)
• To what degree have we excavated our spiritual foundations? (What are your beliefs about God, Scripture, organized religion, values, and morals?)
• Are we being truthful with each other about our sexual histories? (Are you far enough along in the relationship to feel comfortable talking about this?)
• To what degree are you discussing your opinions about sexuality? Have we discovered and are we speaking each other’s primary love language? (It is in the context of a full love tank that we are most capable of honestly exploring the foundations of our relationship.

Roommates, Classmates, Coworkers

We can’t make other people change. But we can influence people to make changes.
→The greatest way to have a positive influence on anyone is to love them.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

Do you have a significant relationship with any of your high school classmates? If so, list their names and answer the following question:

• What might I do to discover this person’s primary love language?
• If you believe you already know their primary love language, ask: How might I speak their love language this week?
• If you are attending or have attended college, how would you describe the friendships you developed with classmates?
• If you are finished with school, have you maintained a friendship with any of your classmates? What steps might you take to deepen these relationships?
• If you are employed, list the names of the people you work with most often. Do you know the primary love language of these people? What might you do to discover it? With whom would you like to have a better working relationship? What steps will you take?
• In addition to parents and siblings, who are the other significant people in your life? What is the most recent expression of love you have given these individuals? Do you know the primary love language of each of these significant people? What steps might you take to discover and/or speak their love language?

Single with Kids

How to discover your child’s love language:

1. Observe how your child expresses love to you. If your daughter is always looking for a hug, this may be an indication that her primary love language is physical touch. If your son is always giving praise or thanks—”Mommy, this is a good meal”—his love language may be words of affirmation.
2. Listen to your child’s requests. What the child requests most often is a clue to his/her primary love language. “Daddy, can we go to the park?” “Mommy, can you read me a story?” These children are asking for quality time, and it is probably their primary love language.
3. Listen to the complaints. “Why didn’t you bring me a present?” may be your son’s way of telling you that his love language is gifts. “We don’t ever go to the beach anymore since Daddy left” may be an indication that the child’s primary love language is quality time.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

If you don’t know your child’s primary love language, try answering the following questions to help you figure it out:

• How does my child most often express love to others?
• What does he/she complain about most often?
• What does my child request most often? How might you improve your method of discipline by using your child’s primary love language? Make a list of the feelings your child has experienced because of a missing or distant parent: fear, anger, anxiety, denial, blame, etc.
• How can you use your child’s primary love language to help alleviate the pain in each case? As a single parent, how do you meet your own emotional need for love?
• Who are the significant people in your life (family or friends) to whom you could turn for emotional support? Perhaps you could begin by expressing appreciation to them for the role they have played in your life. Later make a specific request for their help.
• Are you a part of a single parent class in your church or community? If not, whom could you contact to find out about such a class? If you cannot find such a class, perhaps you could start a class for single parents.

Love is the Key

3 laws of success in business:

1. People love to buy anything, especially if they like the person who is selling it to them.
2. You build relationships one conversation at a time.
3. Know your customers and selling your product will take care of itself.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

• What degree of success do you feel in your vocational relationships?
• If you wanted to improve relationships with your coworkers, with whom would you begin?
• What question might you ask that would help you discover his/her primary love language? (Perhaps you will want to refer to the second half of chapter 8 in formulating such a question.)
• If you already know your coworker’s primary love language, what might you say or do this week that would communicate love more effectively?
• Is there a person in your life for whom you feel resentment?
• What happened to stimulate this emotion?
• What steps could you take to love your way to success in this relationship?
• What is your most stressful relationship at the moment?
• Would you be willing to map out a strategy for improving this relationship by learning to speak that person’s primary love language?
• To what degree are you drawing upon the love of God in your efforts to love others?
• How might you strengthen your love relationship with God?